Sickbed Soul

I confess I still hold within me the spirit of a girl who had secretly not supposed she would live very long. 

Nor supposed herself as one deserving of much happiness. 

Ah, if you could see it ... 

A healed body, with a soul that dares not rise from the sickbed, but for a brief stroll in the gardens. 

I had known this would be the hardest part, but not how hard the hardest truly could be. 

This love goes against my very nature. 

I struggle to wake up. 

I will spend days in full-on battle for the Kingdom, then find myself weeping in bed the following night. 

How can this ever be changed? 

It seems to be my endless battle, this fight for my state of mind. 

I live half in unabashed hope, half in uncontrollable anxiety. 

I am an unending series of inconsistencies. & I startle those who know depths of me to confusion. 

Someone reading my journals might easily think me bipolar. 

There are days where a switch just flips, & I am found once more in the depths of depression. There are times when this lasts for an hour.

Times when it lasts for a month. 

Wake me, wake me. 

I am not afraid of the dark. 

But then there are days when I am. 

There are days when I am even afraid to close my eyes & try to sleep, knowing how unpredictable my own head is. Not trusting it. 

How strange, to feel unsafe in one's own mind. 

That toddler-like fear of shadows on such familiar walls. 

My elementary habit of pretending I simply do not see, do not feel. 

I know people who wouldn't know how to read this post. Who'd ask for explanation. For my mind is a riddle, & my heart, a vague poem ... & they struggle to understand. Or they cannot reconcile this image to the one that they see. 

How strange, to know two Lydias. 

I've experienced that confusion myself. 

"I don't know who I am." 

My soul feels as though it is under some feverish stupor ... not knowing what is real, & what is false. The truth seems too good. The lies seem too real. 

I need to wake up. 

Open up. 

Lay my heart bare, once & forever.

Willing to be healed, once more. 

Choosing hope, when fear is easy habit. 

I am fine today, I reason. 

"Fine" is borderline apathy. 

When you lose your empathies, your senses follow shortly. 

I discover that I am on the precipice of a pit. 

I choose to turn away.

Jesus, ever waken me. 

My blind & sickly soul needs Your touch. 

Remove the illusions. 

Heal me wholly. 

Comments

Post a Comment

May this place be a home and a haven.

Popular posts from this blog

Dear Ann {Coffee for Your Heart}

Image
This week's prompt from Holley Gerth is "Who inspires you?" Simple enough, but I didn't just want to say some names and leave it at that. I chose one who has profoundly impacted my life, and I wrote her a letter. She may never see this post, but I am posting it anyway.  (image via Google)            Dear Ann , You may or may not remember me. I don't know if I want you to or not. I emailed you as a girl a little younger, and a lot less secure. I emailed you in tears, and you replied in love. But at that point, you had already inspired me. I pulled your book off my mother's shelf, on a happy and altogether forgettable day ... I didn't journal that day, so that's all I know. I had stopped journaling when life stopped sounding prettier on paper. And I'd long forgotten why it was worth the fight. The pages of that book witnessed a journey ... one that still blows my mind. We left the church I called home; a place that I had so deeply based my
Read more

Be Encouraged {Coffee for Your Heart}

Image
(Photo by  Anna Hart ) This week’s writing prompt from Holley Gerth is: “What are the encouraging words you want to hear when you’re having a hard day?” I have been so blessed by my circle of friends. Their words often surpass anything I could think up. It is hard for me to think of the prompt as it is written, so forgive me if I adapt on it. I’m going to give the encouraging words I want my closest friends to hear on their hard days. And the Lord, being awesome as He is, often speaks into my heart, as I strive to speak into theirs. So it’s similar, right? Anyhoo … Just stop. Drop everything, girl. I know, I know, it seems like the world never slows down. Just let it spin for a little while without you. Sit down. Kneel. If you keep running when you’re feeling like this, you will break. I know. I’ve done it. Remember when you helped me pick up the pieces? I know you’re trying to be strong enough; to just get through one. more. day. but none of us is truly strong enough to
Read more

You're Not Alone {Coffee for Your Heart}

Image
(via Holley Gerth ) (Photo by Tara Gourley ) This isn’t easy for me to talk about, but if people only talked about the easy stuff, this world would be in serious disarray--well, more serious. I’m going to be honest here; the type of honesty that requires trust, and that is something that I am still learning, slowly . I have felt alone. I have stood in the middle of a crowded room and have felt so desperately lonely that it nearly drowned me. This has happened in my own home. I have been prone to anxiety attacks. I’ve sat on the floor, feeling like the world is caving in, and have only recently learned to text someone I trust when this happens. I have laid alone in my bed and cried myself to sleep. I know these feelings, and I know how real they can seem; so real that everything else looks fake and twisted in comparison. I have hid in corners and let the lie consume me: I am alone. I wasn’t. And dear soul, you aren’t either. Do you hear me? You. Are. Not. Alon
Read more