Who Stays {an original poem}

I imagined him a thousand times
And every single time, he walked away
Saw it coming; never even cried
Experience said love could never stay

They couldn’t convince me otherwise
Oh, how I wanted to believe their song
But each time someone leaves, something dies
And they were the ones that proved themselves wrong

“I told you so … goodbye.”

Their words grew stale, then dissipated
‘Til the rare response that hurt more than silence
Cut deeper than anticipated
“Was,” “knew,” “had” – the bitter sting of past-tense

“Love” becomes “once loved,” “stay” becomes “long gone”
I lose all childlike faith in forever
Along with the instinct to hold on
“Wake up, heart! Wake up, wake up – whatever

What help were you anyway?”

I decided that I was worthless
And then You came for me, Lord – You sought me out
You chose me when I was still heartless
Your wild love opposing each fear and doubt

“I don’t want You!” I screamed night and day
Even running after all You hated
Then waited for You to walk away
In hot anguish, I waited … and wa…


Leadership tip:

You always want the ball to be in your court.

I've always carried the misconception (as I'm sure many others have) that I needed to get the ball out of my court as soon as possible. I apologized constantly, any time I thought I had been too assertive or "babbly," as I used to say. I had no idea what to do in conversation and no clue how to run a business (bonus tip: those two things are linked).

My pattern was to say my piece as quickly as possible and then to shut up so I could stop embarrassing myself. I shoved the proverbial ball at whoever I was talking to as quickly as I could.

Lately I've been through a lot of personal and business development training for my small business.

I learned so much about doTERRA, but the most surprising things I learned were about myself.

I'm bigger than I thought, and I don't have to apologize for it. I have more to bring to the table than I thought, and if I don't show up, I do a disservice to mysel…

Wake, O Sleepers

Teachers and parents alike will often tell of the “light switch” or “light bulb” moment that they take great joy in.

Some say it's the moment when everything seems worth it.

When they can see the light switch get turned on in a child.

There's a look in a child's eyes when understanding dawns, and something isn't pointless anymore.

Words cease to be a string of letters. Abraham Lincoln is no longer just a solid name. A rule is not in place to inflict harm. The words of C.S. Lewis come alive. The variables x and y are no longer seen as letters that came in to screw math up.

I work with children, and I love that moment. No matter how small, I love that moment.

I love watching minds grow, and personalities take shape.

Even better is when that moment becomes a turning point. Not only do letters become words, but words become what dreams are made of. Behold, the next great author or orator.

I know God invented that look; that spark in us. I believe that wonder touches on so…

Love Comes Running

I have a plant on my bedside table that makes me jealous. 
This plant seems to have achieved more growth in the past four months than I have in the past year. 
It's delicate, strong, and challenging all at once. 
It's defying the boundaries I gave it, and thriving despite the fact that I didn't pot it properly. 
I named it after Ella Fitzgerald, and honestly, it's hard to sit next to the pretty, successful thing. 

I've felt this way next to people. Next to stories. 
I've wanted to make myself smaller, invisible. Just because I felt I was coming up short, and ::ahem:: THIS IS WRONG, THESE ARE LIES. ::excuse me::
I keep on crawling deeper into myself, as if I'll find meaning or comfort there, and all I find is humanity, in all its lack; all its depravity. 
Now, what to do, what to do? Where to go with all this need? 
I have Someone safe in my corner who always wants to help me up, help me out. 
So He meets me halfway every time. 
More than halfway,…

if you're listening

This is a funny sort of place to speak my heart now.

I haven't done it consistently in a long time.

It's something I want to change.

I need to process in a healthy, productive way.

But lately this blog has felt a little like a white wall.

I know that's flawed thinking, but I could do with a show of hands.

If you're out there, quietly receiving these words in your email

If you check back once in awhile for new posts

If you read my blog when I share it on other social medias

If you're listening ...

Click the title, open the webpage, get over here.

And leave me a comment to give faces to this white wall.

Maybe tell me when/why you read this? Share what you'd like to read more?

Thank you in advance.

One Year Later

This time last year ... exactly this time last year, I didn't see the sun.

I can't remember it shining, even now, unless I force my mind to realize, that logically, it must have. The sun must have been shining almost every day as my heart hemorrhaged.

The days bled into one another like the soggy mascara I eventually gave up on.

I bit at my lip and pulled at my hair as I tried desperately to fix my eyes on truth; tried desperately not to let everything be pulled into and tainted by my sorrow.

The sun is shining now and I wrestle with it.

This shining has significant implications. I have to admit, the sun must have been shining then, too.

If it sounds like my mind is spinning in circles, I apologize. It is.

My heart aches as I let my memories of a year ago resurface. The series of events that felt like a thousand good things withering away in my hands.

I let go of dreams, let go of plans, let go of hands I thought were mine to hold forever.

My pastor said something today ... &…

Fear of Heights

It makes necessarily divine sense.

That when this child, perpetually scared of heights, would feel, when she is doing what she is called to do ...

As though she is flying.

And perfectly safe.

I know no other love that casts out fear.

No other life that brings fresh life to dead places.

He's the hand on the back of the socially anxious, encouraging them to engage.

He's the quiet voice that shuts up the fiercest of nightmares.

He's walking on the water before us, inviting us to join Him. Inviting us to walk on top of the thing that made us fearful.

I see myself standing at the edge of a dock.

Whipped by the wind.

Tears streaming.

Laughing at the abandonment of it all.

Laughing because fears cease to make sense within Christ.

I hope you feel like you're flying today. I pray that the Spirit lifts you up.

You were not created for cowering. Hiding is something we do apart from Christ. It should never be something we feel we need to do in the Church.

I am still battling these …