Monday, March 31, 2014

Fragile Strength


It's another Monday, and yet again, I have no hymn study for you. I only have a few left to do, and I'm trying to make the best of them ... and that sometimes means not tackling them when I don't feel up to them.
Honestly, I don't feel up to anything today. My current health state leaves me feeling deflated some days. When you add that to several restless nights, you get what I was like today.
I went to church feeling all right, then found myself spent after thirty minutes. How did I exert myself, you ask? I took notes. It's as pathetic as it sounds.
I am in this constant battle to be okay with my condition. If you can even call it that. It gets tiring having a nameless enemy.
I stayed home after church ended. My family visited an injured relative. I was asked to babysit for a small group. I sat in my room watching reality tv and putting off this blog post. I tell myself I could cope if my health prevented me from the big, normal things. No long runs. No heavy weights. No {fill in the blank with something you don't usually do on a regular basis}. It is easy to say we could do without something until we are called to do without it. I get caught up in what I can't do. Or what I struggle to do. Fall asleep easily. Open cans. Climb stairs often. Write several pages. Even type on the worst days. Stir thick batter or dough. Focus. Think clearly. Wear jewelry on my hands. These things are so simple. So taken for granted sometimes.
Not this time.
I sit here in this vulnerable state, my scars in the open for all to see, and I long to be able to wear this mask of having it all together. But didn't I once say that this was no place for masks? So I leave mine in the closet--psh, I throw it in the trash. It always looked a little too photo-shopped to me.
How do I get through this, then? What am I supposed to do?
I go back to my foundation. I trace each brick of my salvation. I caress the mortar of my life that is Christ. I lean on my walls made of His faithfulness. On those walls hang portraits of His promises, and I finger their frames, I speak their names.
"Your power is made perfect in weakness, so Lord, dare I say it has never been more perfect, for I've never felt so weak. Use my flaws to further Your kingdom. You said You would never leave me or forsake me, so don't You let me believe You've walked away. You are right. here. I'll talk right to You. There is no condemnation in You, so I take hold of that and with it, I fight back the darkness, the lies, the "look at what you've done"s, and I'll look at what You've done instead, yes. I won't just look, I'll remember. I won't stop there, I'll proclaim it. You say that You keep me ... that You do not slumber, so hold me as I sleep. You're here, You're constant, You care for me, You bear my burdens and my sins, You won't leave, You won't sleep ... so cradle me, Lord, I beg. The night is oppressive, but the light overcomes it and You. are. light. And I've decided to trust You. In Jesus' name, Amen."