Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Sacred

(via Pinterest)
I had wanted to use that word in the title of this blog. It sounded so right, and yet, no word I paired with it seemed to make sense, and one would feel quite silly having a blog named just "Sacred." It makes sense to me though, looking back with the retrospect of only a few days. This week has been impossibly beautiful. I know, I know, "nothing is impossible with God," (Luke 1:37) but that's how it happened. He happened, and suddenly, the ugliness of my week became a sacred and lovely thing. Everything that I once based my emotions on went wrong this week (well, not everything, but you get my point). I had the worst joint pain I can remember. My closest friend was extremely busy (that alone used to decide how happy I was going to be). I "had" to go to my least favorite store. A day of my babysitting job, which I absolutely love, was cancelled. I had to make bread; one of the most joint-taxing things I can do. The list just went on and on! On paper, my week was the worst. That's what struck me as I was keeping track of it in my journals. As I wrote down every pain, every disappointment and frustration, I was smiling. Smiling. How crazy is that?
It is no mystery to me, why my week feels so wonderful in all of that unpleasantness. He was caring for me; teaching me. It wasn't that I was doing anything different. I wasn't intentionally reacting to stress any differently. I hadn't utilized some breakthrough Pinterest method that made one feel happier. I wasn't getting extra Vitamin D. I have been letting the outside cat sleep on my bed and lap this week ... but that wasn't it. No sweet cat, hot cup of tea, heartwarming book, caring friend, or long bath could ever bring the "peace that transcends all understanding" (Philippians 4:7). I have been praying desperately for this peace for such a long time. To understand what I feel now, you need to know what I felt before.
I have always been prone to what I call "panic attacks." It stems from the fact that I feel emotions more dramatically than most. The smallest happiness and the most minuscule sadness can make or break me. So when I get stressed or overwhelmed, I usually end up on the floor somewhere, sobbing. That said, that is what would have normally happened after this week's circumstances. Another thing: washing dishes makes me angry. I hate it. This week, and some before, I've found myself actually humming as I scrubbed the plates. God showed me, somehow, how the simple task could bless others; how making something clean could bless me. The action has become sacred to me. And sewing. I'm learning to sew, and for some reason, the machine just stresses me out completely. I finished my first project, and the joy of having made something beautiful far outweighed the cost. This is what He has done for me: He has brought  me joy through the very things that I once let destroy my joy. I no longer am stressing over future plans. I'm more concerned about having my daily time with Jesus than I am about constantly having a friend to talk to. I feel like I don't have to be enough, because in Him, I am enough, because He is enough. It feels so radical, so impossible, so right. I know I will not always feel like this, so I am treasuring it all the more. Treasuring this time when I can hear Him more clearly than I ever have. He has always been here, always been this close ... and now that He has my attention, I am not taking my eyes off of Him.
So this is why I couldn't fit anything with "sacred," because, in Him, everything is sacred.