It was getting late ...
My body was limbered, but weary.
I could smell the oils I had rubbed on my aching feet with a prayer that I would get rest.
I had stayed up far too late the night previous, & I'd let my thoughts reign free.
Never a good life choice.
Things seemed so out of control, & I felt isolated.
There are nights where just going to bed is something I'm not sure I'm brave enough to do.
It requires that I turn the lights out.
That I lay next to my thoughts & I face them alone.
These are lies, but a friend once told me that nighttime always exacerbates things,
& it seems like it seldom exacerbates truth.
Especially when you haven't been entertaining truthful thoughts all day.
Let me speak this out: muffling the negative thoughts & the lies is not renouncing them, & it's not speaking truth.
Non-thought still lets the wound fester.
We cannot afford to merely stifle our pain.
Now that I have gotten that out, understand that I never ever speak as someone who has "made it," but as someone who is journeying.
Understand that I wasn't living that out on the night that I speak of.
I was living out its opposite.
& tonight, I am writing from a similar place, typing out this lesson to reestablish it in my head & heart.
I dared turn out the light as I crawled into bed.
I choked on a sob, & pulled the covers up.
It takes a minute each night for me to lay down my pride & remember that I can't sleep with empty arms.
I reach behind my head for my plush dog, & for the thousandth time, I wish he had a heartbeat, so I wouldn't feel so alone.
I squeeze him tight, bury my face, & pray that I could just please fall asleep.
Quick & painless.
& that these waves would have stilled by the time I woke.
My breath shudders.
A tear falls down my cheek.
& lyrics softly run through my mind.
"All through the night ...
Keep with me, all through the night."
(Sleeping At Last)
& He stills me.
Something quietly clicks into place in my heart.
The noises & smells around me, even my heartbeat, they steady into this rhythm that betokens safety & quiet.
The words repeat, & I can feel Him near me.
The waves don't stop, but, holding the hand of the One who governs their rise & their fall, I cease to be daunted.
Nothing that opposes me in the night hours can overcome the fact that He stays with me,
All through the night.