All Through the Night

It was getting late ...

My body was limbered, but weary.

I could smell the oils I had rubbed on my aching feet with a prayer that I would get rest.

I had stayed up far too late the night previous, & I'd let my thoughts reign free.

Never a good life choice.

Things seemed so out of control, & I felt isolated.

There are nights where just going to bed is something I'm not sure I'm brave enough to do.

It requires that I turn the lights out.

That I lay next to my thoughts & I face them alone.

These are lies, but a friend once told me that nighttime always exacerbates things,

& it seems like it seldom exacerbates truth.

Especially when you haven't been entertaining truthful thoughts all day.

Let me speak this out: muffling the negative thoughts & the lies is not renouncing them, & it's not speaking truth.

Non-thought still lets the wound fester.

We cannot afford to merely stifle our pain.

Now that I have gotten that out, understand that I never ever speak as someone who has "made it," but as someone who is journeying.

Understand that I wasn't living that out on the night that I speak of.

I was living out its opposite.

& tonight, I am writing from a similar place, typing out this lesson to reestablish it in my head & heart.

I dared turn out the light as I crawled into bed.

I choked on a sob, & pulled the covers up.

It takes a minute each night for me to lay down my pride & remember that I can't sleep with empty arms.

I reach behind my head for my plush dog, & for the thousandth time, I wish he had a heartbeat, so I wouldn't feel so alone.

I squeeze him tight, bury my face, & pray that I could just please fall asleep.

Quick & painless.

& that these waves would have stilled by the time I woke.

My breath shudders.

A tear falls down my cheek.

& lyrics softly run through my mind.

"All through the night ...

Keep with me, all through the night."

(Sleeping At Last)

& He stills me.

Something quietly clicks into place in my heart.

The noises & smells around me, even my heartbeat, they steady into this rhythm that betokens safety & quiet.

The words repeat, & I can feel Him near me.

The waves don't stop, but, holding the hand of the One who governs their rise & their fall, I cease to be daunted.

Nothing that opposes me in the night hours can overcome the fact that He stays with me,

All through the night.

Popular posts from this blog

The Lost Girl of Astor Street Clue Hunt: Clue #22

if you're listening

you do, in fact, belong