Ah, Sweet Mystery of Life

I take a deep breath & turn to whitespace.

I have been practicing this all day.

I don't know quite how to tackle these online courses, & I've decided that maybe that's okay.

I've decided to let go of this nagging feeling that I'm not working hard enough or long enough.

I'm on week two of 45+ hour work weeks, while taking four credits in my "spare time."

Spare time. As in, when most people sleep. On my break. In the car. While children nap.

I've studied on my laptop, on my phone, with my books, with my notebooks, reciting to friends, making up study cards ...

It's week two.

I looked down at the end of week one, & I realized that I had read two weeks' worth of material in my one class. & it still hadn't felt like enough.

That's when it dawned on me: maybe my perception is vastly off.

Here's the thing.

The textbooks aren't meant to be read like a novel & then memorized like Scripture.

When my professors said to check in often, they probably didn't mean every hour, on the hour.

My one textbook actually warned against taking too many notes. I wrote that down. Maybe on page 12 of my notes from that chapter.

Here's the thing.

We are not made for striving.

We are not meant to dig endless holes in a futile hunt for progress.

We are not designed to be on top of everything.

None of us are prodigies at life. 

Paul's words hit home with me this week: "If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness." {2 Corinthians 11:30}

The things that show my weakness.

These are the things that show God to be dazzling.

These are the things that He chooses to glorify Himself in, & teach profound lessons.

I had wanted this to prove myself, but isn't it all about proving Him? His love and His infinite worthiness?

Let this be the song of my days.

Not that I'm groaning & striving, but that I am bending & bowing.

That He is shining through the places where I open windows.

Because, friends, when we open things up to His Presence?

He shows up. 

This weekend, as strange as it felt, opening up to Him looked like a quieting.

A ceasing of my constant frenzy.

Letting myself just laugh over coffee & glorify His name in the sweet mundane.

Setting down my to-do lists & acknowledging that whatever He wants for this moment?

That's where I want to be.

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