Onward


I am learning to love things I once despised. To embrace things I once rejected.

It's funny the things you can discover when you just let go of the belief that you have always been, & will always be, right.

Today, I am so glad I've been proved wrong.

There's a sting in that discovery, but the sweetness far outweighs it.

I never expected the death of something to be so beautiful.

The things you can find yourself holding when you finally let go of the worthlessness of your old opinions.

I never wanted to move.

I never, ever, ever, ever, EVER, no, not in a million years ever wanted to move.

It terrified me.

You could witness the greatest of my panic attacks just by mentioning the idea. Some found that game funny, but it was horrific.

You mentioned such a change & I found it hard to breathe.

It wasn't a logical fear, but that didn't make it any less real. It wasn't that I was particularly attached to my house, but it was all I had ever known. & the fear of losing it gripped me tighter when we left my church home of eight years, & more people moved, & this house became a symbol of all that is familiar, & I couldn't imagine leaving without ceasing to be.

Some might confuse my shifting from this place of panicked darkness as the result of having forged new relationships in my new church home. You might think I'm fine with moving just because this city is more like a home to me now, & I must stop such thoughts here & now.

If such was the case, this would only be a setup for more pain. More fear.

A new place & new people to dread losing. I came to that point before I got Here, & I know.

That is not freedom. That is not healing. That is not peace.

The Lord is restoring what was taken from me, abundantly, & many times over. But this peace comes from knowing & being satisfied in the Giver, not just the gift.

This is why that girl that was afraid of going anywhere ... she's looking to the future with a boldness & a passion that is not her own.

I'm excited. I'm uncertain as to what the next, say, 80 days or 80 years of my life will look like, but I know the heart of the One that numbers my days, & my delight is found in trusting Him.

Instead of hyperventilating as I consider worst-case scenarios, I am breathing deep, dreaming dreams so big that the only way they will come to fruition is if they are completely & recklessly abandoned to the will of Christ.

& that's a beautiful place to be.

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May this place be a home and a haven.

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