Thursday, July 10, 2014

Distracted

I am numb and distracted. Inconstant and inattentive. When faced with pain, I have tried to drown it out or become unaffected by it ... and in the process I have lost much more than I bargained for. And I dare confess that I didn't even mind the absence; I hardly noticed.
And then one day, I did.
I heard His voice clearly, and I realized He had been speaking all along ... I had simply drowned Him out. I didn't listen. My prayers were performances and duties, rather than intimate conversation and bloody battle. In the midst of struggles, I ran elsewhere. In the midst of pain, I sought other comfort. In discouragement and drought, I went to those who had been to the Well, rather than to the source Himself. My every act ignored His name and lordship.
And He still speaks.
He still waits for me.
Still, He loves me with a Love unlike any other.

I've counted up the cost, and You are worth it. 

Worth everything He could ever ask me to give up. Worth losing my reputation or my very life. Worth giving up control and plans. Worth letting go of my ideas, opinions, and conceptions. I have caught a glimpse of my Savior and the sight made me drop all else. How could I have ever wanted anything other than?

He holds my hand as we look over my life. I cringe as I see the things I have placed above Him in my life. Some well and good, just far from best. Abused by my hands. Placed over their stations. People whose opinions I placed with or above His. Mindless things I spent hours scrolling through; dumping my time down the toilet and flushing. {At the end of our lives, which of us will be wishing we had spent more time browsing the internet?} Fiction books that I gazed at longingly over the edge of my Bible. TV shows that I stayed up way too late watching, until my eyes were too tired to cry myself to sleep. Movie worlds that I escaped to on hard days, lazy days, too many days. Friends that I ran to when I should have ran to God. Outfits that I spent ages picking out and fretting over. Coffee that I used as a crutch on days when sleep was short. Games that I turned to, in hopes of easing my boredom. The list stretches on and on. Some essentially harmless. Some things good and beautiful ... turned into idols by my doing. Some things worthless.
I resist the urge to turn away in shame - that's not why we're here. I invited Him into my ugly, and He is not here to fill me with guilt. I put these things into a place in my heart that was meant for Him; trying unknowingly to fill a hole that can only be filled by an infinite God.
I am still in this emptying season ... making room for Him in my life and heart.
I'm limiting my distractions. Removing some in entirety. Making others succumb to rules. Seeking my Lord first and consistently.
As I quiet my life, His voice becomes clearer.
As I let go of control, things work in mysterious ways, the results better than I could have planned for.
As I seek Him, I find Him.