Dear Ann {Coffee for Your Heart}

This week's prompt from Holley Gerth is "Who inspires you?" Simple enough, but I didn't just want to say some names and leave it at that. I chose one who has profoundly impacted my life, and I wrote her a letter. She may never see this post, but I am posting it anyway. 

(image via Google)
           Dear Ann,
You may or may not remember me. I don't know if I want you to or not. I emailed you as a girl a little younger, and a lot less secure. I emailed you in tears, and you replied in love. But at that point, you had already inspired me.
I pulled your book off my mother's shelf, on a happy and altogether forgettable day ... I didn't journal that day, so that's all I know. I had stopped journaling when life stopped sounding prettier on paper. And I'd long forgotten why it was worth the fight. The pages of that book witnessed a journey ... one that still blows my mind. We left the church I called home; a place that I had so deeply based my identity and my life on, that I wound up losing track of who I was, and this thing called a life that is worth it. I became convinced that there was nothing good left. And as I felt this, and I read your pages, there was a conflict. "Life is beautiful ... but mine is not." It made sense in my head at the time. It didn't make sense in my brother's. I made excuses to him. I was going to wait until I finished the book to start counting gifts, naturally. He told me that was ridiculous. Well, I wanted to have a nice book to put them in, first. He threw a composition book at me, told me I could keep it, and handed me a pencil. Why not start now? To tell the truth, I didn't want to start then, because I believed that there was nothing left to be thankful for; nothing that mattered anyway. But he's never been the type to listen to me, and he told me to start writing. No excuses, no questions asked. It rings in my head now, looking back, what you once said: "There is always, always, always something to be thankful for. The first gift I wrote down? I wrote "Nutella," in all caps. No lie.
Thank the Lord, I'm stubborn ... I didn't stop there, and I haven't stopped since. I broke 2100 recently. My heart broke a long time before that point. As I ended each night by naming three things that were beautiful in my day, I reopened my diary, due to another dear woman's influence. But I refused to write anything sad. What came out of that was a long section of wishy-washy words about a life that was so great ... some pages filled even as I cried. This was madness.
Then I read two words. Just two. I'd never seen them hyphenated into loveliness together before. Ugly-beautiful. Could it really be that simple? I cried often during this journey, but here, here is where I think I may have cried the most. If I believed God was good, why couldn't I believe that He was able to bring beauty from what I deemed ugly? If I thanked Him for only the obviously and easily good things in my life, I simultaneously was denying that He was powerful enough to give beauty to every circumstance. I hadn't even thanked Him for my new church ... the church that I didn't call "mine" or "ours" until we had attended for over a year. I called it by its name, and I doubted that good could come of it. I mercilessly compared it to what I had known, and I refused to accept it for what it is and was. I was so utterly blind  to God's work in that place; in those people. The songs that made me roll my eyes then, now make those eyes flood with tears. In keeping my pain from God, I had kept His healing from me. In the same way, when I had refrained from thanking Him, it was the same as cursing Him. I didn't believe He was that good. Surely He couldn't bring joy out of this. Not when I clutched it to my chest in a fisted hand! I needed to give thanks to receive the gifts. I needed to give Him my pain, in order to receive His healing. Oh, to live with hands wide open.
So here I am, over a year and a half later. That composition book is nigh half-full. I proudly call that church my own. I cry when I'm hurting, and I write. I smile when I'm happy, and I write. And as I read over those words with retrospect, I see the beauty that God has fashioned out of both.
You inspire me, Ann Voskamp {without even a fanciful "e"}. God used you in my life to do beautiful, extraordinary things. And I honestly cannot thank Him enough.
Your book inspired me to live gratefully, and fully, right where I am.
You were there for me, through your blog,when I felt like no one else was. You inspired me, through that, to start this, my baby blog, and one day, should this little bird ever take wing, you can watch it fly, knowing you were used to help it grow its wings.
Your photos inspire me to see the wonder in the everyday.
Your heart inspires me ... it reminds me of His.
You, Ann, are far from ordinary, and dare I say, a true gift.
If we do not meet in this place called earth, I'll have a hug saved for you in our heav'nly home. Pinky promise.
As always,
Lydia



Comments

  1. I absolutely love your letter to Ann, and through it sharing your struggles. I sincerely hope she sees it! She would be so blessed by your words! You inspired me with them! Blessings to you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, sweet Anne. Just typing out your name is making me smile wide. So very glad that the Lord used these words to inspire you. Another chance for me to be blown away by His power. You're such a blessing - thanks for dropping by!

      Delete
  2. Oh my, this is quite beautifully written. I hope Ann sees it, I know it will be a blessing to her heart, indeed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shelly, your sweet words are such a blessing. Thank you.

      Delete
  3. Can this farm hick just blink back whatever is ridiculously brimming -- and reach over through her really ugly-beautiful mess to grab your hand, squeeze it tight and nod? Whisper only one word: Jesus.
    He's breathing inspiration over both of our ugly-beautifuls, redeeming everything.
    You ministered to this messy, discouraged hick in deep places today. Seems like too little, but you know how I mean those two words: *Thank You*
    Eucharisteo!
    All's grace,
    a

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've run out of words, honestly. I'm sitting at a table, in ludicrous pajamas, a workout bun, and monkey socks, and I'm trying not to cry because God. is. so. good. I guess were both a bit messy today ... that fact makes me grin. In awe and downright grateful that these words could be used to bless you, in a similar way to how your words have blessed me, over the years. This, *this* is grace. I am overwhelmingly undone. And in my pajamas, no less!
      Hug yourself for me?

      Delete
  4. Oh! The ripple effect of a pebble in the still, lonely pond! It is teeming with life below the surface..."disturbed" by the pebble and brought to light. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Lydia--I'm so glad Shelly shared this with Ann without the fanciful "e," because I followed the link over here to read your beautiful words.

    Thank you for the reminder to give thanks for the ugly-beautiful. Blessings.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad, too! Thank you, dear Nancy, for stopping by!

      Delete
  6. What a glorious letter, what beauty fills these words--hard grace poured out. Thank you for sharing it, it blesses!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aw, thank you, Kris. All blessing is definitely God's doing. So overwhelmed!

      Delete
  7. I have Ann's book, I have gifted Ann's book but I put off the list, the writing, This blog post has given me the push to start. Your post was a gift today.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes! Yes! Yes! So happy for you. It will make a difference, I promise.

      Delete
  8. Just this week a woman sat in my little tea nook with a good cuppa in her hands and said, "I know God is good and He is grace and He loves, but He doesn't do any of that for me today. I have begged and begged for changes, for life to get better, for answers and now I am left with this..." She knew all the truth, but she believes the lies b/c she is unable to see God in the ugly. So, I walked to my box of "1000 Gifts," and pulled out a copy He had planned for her before the foundation of the world. Praying that she will, in God's time, see the grace, the ugly beautiful. Oh my, I needed your words today for my ugly beautiful also as I pray for her and so many others in this broken world filled with God's grace to bring Him glory.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. darnly, I love how you're living love; how you're listening, caring, giving, praying ... your friend is truly blessed. Oh, how we all need a good cuppa some days. Whispering a prayer for her today. So glad you stopped by, and were blessed. God is so good!

      Delete
  9. Our heavenly Father uses so many different types of people and experiances to love on us. Whether we know him, or are just meeting him, or if we are head over heels in love with Him. Loving him does not give us a perfect life, it simply allows us to see the beautiful in our lives. You've written a beautiful post, and a wonderful reminder of how people all over struggle in the same way. We are not called to put each other down, but to build each other up, and this is a wonderful example of how our words and our lives can touch others when we don't even know it. I, too, have fought many battles, and when I finally fell into Jesus it was with such force and power that my heart drowned in love and has never surfaced. I live every day in love with Him, He is my father, my romancer, my savior, my husband, my Lord. I would not trade or change one painful memory, for it led me to who and where I am today, a woman so precious the Creator of the Universe delights in ME! How amazing it is! Keep up your inspiring posts, your touching more lives than you know, and bringing Jesus to many.

    With Love,
    Michelle

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for your encouragement, Michelle. It means the world. Your words are beautiful and so. true. Love your heart!

      Delete
  10. I saw this because Shelly shared it with Ann, and now you've blessed me, too. I've read One Thousand Gifts, but now you've inspired me to pick it up again... and to pick up my "thankful journal" again, and write some more.

    I have SO MUCH to thank God for. Time to start doing it again!

    Thank you so much for sharing your heart. <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am constantly flipping through the pages of that book, and lending it to every literate person who hasn't read it yet. Yes! So happy for you! He has done so much for us, and His mercies are new every morning.
      Thanks for stopping by <3

      Delete
  11. Oh.

    Why does this sound like me, somehow? I've never read 1,000 Gifts, but as I keep hearing the name I really should...

    But it does. It does sound like me. Especially the church part, and now I'm wondering about that again. It's a long story, and it hurts to think about, but somehow finding myself in what you wrote is helping. Thank you. Once again.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

May this place be a home and a haven.

Popular posts from this blog

Be Encouraged {Coffee for Your Heart}

You're Not Alone {Coffee for Your Heart}